Loneliness, Part I

Adapted from an article by Narelle Worboys published in October, 1996.

Am I lonely?
Why am I lonely?
How can I stop being lonely?

"Am I lonely?" may seem like a silly question, but it’s not. Some people don’t realize the problem is loneliness; they think they are bored. Maybe they are; it’s logical to feel bored if you have no-one to do things with. Then again, some people live in a crowd; loneliness seems illogical if there are lots of people around. Try these on for size:

“I’m a home-schooler and I live in a large family. But I’m still lonely!”
“I’ve got lots of friends, but I’m still lonely.”
“I have to look after the little kids all the time. There’s no-one else around that is my age.”
“I go to clubs and things, but no-one else thinks like I do.”

Second question: Why am I lonely?

Man was made for companionship. Genesis 2:18 says, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone . . .” God knows the importance of friends. He understands our need. There are many Scriptures that refer to friends and friendship.

Proverbs 12:25 — “Heaviness in the heart of a man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.” We need encouragement. We need to be uplifted by good conversation.

Proverbs 27:9 — “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.” Have you tasted of the joy of “taking sweet counsel together” (Ps. 55:14)? Ointment and perfume were expensive and precious.


Proverbs 27:17 — “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpenteth the countenance of his friend.” I know that it is because of my friends that I have become aware of faults and have been able to start working on them.

Proverbs 27:19 — “As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man.” So when we look at each other, we’re looking in a mirror: same joys, same heartaches, same problems, same tears. Empathy.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 — “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

Look at the pictures behind these words: companionship; support; the warmth of togetherness; peace-making; strength.

We ask, if God knows my need for a friend, why doesn’t He do something about it? At such times we should remember the verses in Ecclesiastes chapter three that tell us God makes all things beautiful in His time. I’ve not had to exist all my life without any friends; God knew when my need was greatest, and sent me friends to encourage me. I had to learn, though, that it was not by my will but by His that I must live.

Perhaps you are sick of the phrase “God knows best”; the truth is He does. It is not for us to command the seasons and the times. We may ask Him for what we need, but we must accept that He will do it in His time.

I found being a home-schooler very lonely. However, if I had gone to a public school, I don’t believe I would have been any less lonely than what I was as a home-schooler; it just wouldn’t have been as obvious. We look at others who go to school who seem to always have friends around them and who are always doing something or going somewhere, but I have discovered that very few of those “friends” are discreet, forgiving, tactful, or sincere. I wouldn't want to have people around me – who claimed they were my friends – who were not any of those things. Yes, I would much rather have no friends than have bad friends. The people we mix with have a great influence on us: on our attitudes, our beliefs, our thoughts. If we are to walk with God to the best of our ability, it is extremely important who we keep company with. So I was lonely, and it was horrid.

There is always a purpose to God’s plans. He never does something just for the sake of doing it. God’s desire is that we seek companionship in Him. He said in Proverbs 8:31b, “. . . my delights were with the sons of men.” God made us for fellowship with Him. (We can see the depth of His desire in the Cross; Christ had to be sacrificed so that man would no longer be separated from God, but could again have fellowship with Him.) If this pre-designed purpose of fellowship is not fulfilled, we have a “God-shaped” vacuum within us (ever heard preachers talk about that?).

Because I was at home and so much of the time by myself (I didn’t get on very well with my sisters then) I began to find my refuge in God. As I began to make an effort to get to know God, and to model the way I lived on Christ, I began to see a purpose in my being alone. If I had had lots of people around me to keep me busy and to keep my attention on having fun and enjoying myself, etc., I would not have seen my need for God, or felt that I was dependent on Him. I would have been constantly distracted, and getting to know the best Friend anyone could ever have would not have seemed so important.

Let’s think on Moses. He spent 40 years alone in the desert. Think of it! This was the time when he was getting to know God, and was building on his faith that would need to be so strong in the future. In the desert, with all other distractions removed, his faith would have been strengthened; he would have depended on God for his provision and for his companionship. I believe it is because of those 40 years that Moses had so much power, and it was because of the habits built into those 40 years that Moses is called the “Friend of God” (James 2:23).

Let’s think of John the Baptist. Luke 1:76-80 prophesies of the task John was to do, and says that as he grew, he became strong in spirit, and was in the deserts till the day of his showing unto Israel (which we know was just over thirty years after Christ’s birth). Think on it. Do you think there is a connection between being strong in spirit and being alone?

Let’s think on David. He spent hours and hours alone as a boy, with only sheep for company (how inspiring). As a man, David also spent many hours, many days in hiding, in fear for his life. So what does one do when there is nothing to do?

God’s purpose is so very evident in the lives of these great people. I believe His purpose is the same today for lonely homeschoolers. Where did Moses get his power? Where did David get those awesome Psalms which have blessed millions of people, and for which he will forever be remembered? Where did John get the toughness and durability of character that were to see him through his difficult few years of fame? I believe they got them when they were alone with God.

And now, the third question. How can I stop being lonely? Some of the answers to this may seem trite, but they are rooted in biblical principles which promise to bring God's blessing. Dig deep into these and you may be suprised at what you find.

• Be friends with your parents and your siblings. God sets the solitary in families. I recommend VisionaryDaughters.com for giving a glorious perspective on the possiblities of family relationships.
• Minister to the needs of those around you, whether it's your family, your neighbours, members of your church, unsaved shoppers at the local mall, or a retirement home down the road.
• Subscribe to a magazine (online or real mail) which promotes and encourages Biblical womanhood. Write to the girls whose names and contact details are provided therein. Suggestions include "Hopechest Magazine" (published in USA) or "Whatsoever Magazine" (published in Australia). They both distribute world-wide. Online magazines include "Issacharian Daughters" (editor on sabbatical till June 2008, but website offers plenty of good fodder). If you know of any other publication of excellence, please do let me know.

There is no guarantee that will insure us against ever being lonely. I believe God allows us to be lonely to strengthen our relationship with Him. There is a song that begins, “He is my everything, He is my all.”

Christ is the only person who can ever fully satisfy you. When we learn to immerse ourselves in Christ (remember, it is no longer I that liveth, but Christ that liveth in me — Gal. 2:20), He becomes our ‘everything’ and our ‘all’. Richard Wurmbrand wrote, “Some know Christ only as their Saviour. That is like knowing someone only as one’s dentist.” Do you know Christ as your Friend?

May you, like Moses, become a Friend of God.


Copyright © 2002 by Narelle Worboys
23 Hunter St, Dannevirke 4930, New Zealand
kyriellepublishing(at)xtra.co.nz

Loneliness, Part II

Adapted from an article by Narelle Worboys published in October 2003.

Living in the Desert

I was ‘reading between the lines’ at the beginning of the book of Matthew, wondering about the people and the situations and the details about which the writer doesn’t tell us. In chapter two I wondered about the long journey made by the company of wise men*, a journey that took them two years** to reach their destination. No wonder all Jerusalem talked about them. Their cavalcade must have been enormous, including provisions for winter and summer; gifts to soothe the kings of countries they passed through, not to mention the riches they brought for the baby born ‘King of the Jews’; herds of animals for food; extra camels to replace the ones that were stolen or died under harness; servants to care for the animals and servants to care for the rich men; an army to protect this great array from bandits; tents to house all those people in all seasons…

Quite a journey it would have been. I wonder how those wise men felt during that long journey. Did they think longingly of home? Did they miss the warmth and comfort and their family and friends? Did they wonder why they had set out on this journey and whether it was worth it?

I believe they had two things to keep them from turning back. They knew that they were on a mission, and they had a star in the heavens to guide them. When bandits attacked, when water was scarce, when camels and servants got sick, when the desert seemed to extend into the distance forever, they remembered they were on a mission and trusted the star to guide them. And when the weather was so bad they couldn’t see the star, they trusted that it was still there and waited patiently for the weather to clear.

Between the lines in chapter three there are secrets to another desert journey. I wondered about John, that he ate locusts and wild honey. Preparing food and eating it takes up a fair amount of time in my day, but John’s eating habits sound very simple. What did he do for the rest of the day, living out there in the desert? He didn’t have to launder his clothes or even choose which outfit to wear that day—I reckon there’s a limit to what you can do with camel hair and a leather belt as fashion ensembles.

I went looking for more information. Luke’s Gospel tells us at the end of chapter one that John grew, and waxed strong in spirit, and was in the deserts till the day of his shewing unto Israel. John was thirty years old when that showing happened, so what was in the desert that kept John’s attention for nearly thirty years? Were there people, friends? Parties and barbecues? Games and fun activities? I suppose catching locusts for your dinner could be fun for a little while, but after days…weeks…months…years? It might pall. Dishing wild honey when there are possessive bees about can get exciting, but you might grow tired of the effort—or the stings. And even if you were brought up on such a diet, it wouldn’t hold any great attraction, any bubbling anticipation to get you through each day.

So what was so interesting in the desert? The view? Dry and barren. The stars? They might sing but they don’t offer conversation. It would seem that John habituated a place of no comforts, no company.

But there I think is the point. John’s company was Jehovah, and his comfort was in the companionship they shared. Surely nothing else could hold a man for thirty years in a barren wilderness. The desert attraction was the absence of distractions. Absence of distractions. Hmm. Distractions from what? From fellowshipping with his Creator. From ‘waxing strong in spirit’.

As I thought on what John’s daily life must have been like, I realized that he was probably a very lonely man. He was an oddball…different. He dressed oddly, did odd things. Did he dress in camel hair when he went home to his wealthy, influential parents? How often did he go home? How long did he stay? The Bible doesn’t tell us those things, only portraying that the majority of his time was spent in the desert.

I applied these thoughts to my life. The majority of my time is spent in a desert, a desert that is not peopled with friends, outings, activities, excitement. Homeschooling as a teenager also had a desert appearance about it. The annual NZCA Preparation For Convention Camps and A.C.E. Student Conventions were lively oases of activity and refreshment. The rest of the year was lonely, dotted by hopeful, eager letters posted across the chasm between my desert and someone else’s desert. At least, I hoped those letters were going to another desert, for then that someone would reply. Often they did not. I can’t blame them for that. Could John blame his parents or his peers because they didn’t want to come out and be in the desert with him?

We have to see the purpose in this living in the desert. John was born with a destiny. He was a man with a vital mission, a mission that required thirty years of preparation – alone in the desert with God. What is your destiny, your mission? John had a raft of prophecies to sustain him in his moments of discouragement, but very often we don’t have such solid assurances. We can only trust that the LORD truly does have a purpose for our lives; that He is working to perfect that which concerneth us (Psalm 138:8). While you may not be able to see the reason for your desert, perhaps I can help you to understand why God allows deserts.

Deserts are Character-Building. Deserts are Training. Deserts serve to send us running continually to the only comfort, the only companionship that is near. Emmanuel. God with us. And the continued years or decades of living in the desert serve to compound each lesson until it becomes a habit and we learn not to ‘forget’ that God is our only source of strength, comfort, and inspiration.

You see, the LORD is not cruel and unkind. He is merciful and loves to shower gifts and blessings upon His children. Among other things, He showered on me the gift of a faithful friend who sent mail to my desert year after year.

As the wise men progressed across their desert, they knew what they were searching for but they didn’t know where they were going. They followed the star. I know I want to fulfill God’s destiny for my life, but I don’t know where I’m going. Sadly, humanly, I have moments when I get annoyed at where the star is leading me. In my continued existence in the desert I allow my loneliness to draw my focus away from walking daily, closely, with the Lord. I begin to pine for more mail, more company, more companionship in the flesh. I sulk and feel sorry for myself if the mail ceases for a while. Which it periodically does. The LORD knows that I still need work on the closer-than-a-brother habit, that I still need reminding that He is my everything, and beside Him there is no other.

I love the verse in Song of Solomon that says, “This is my beloved and this is my friend” (SS 5:16). That is what Emmanuel has become to me, but sometimes my flesh wriggles unstuck from my spirit and its yell becomes loudest. I forget to bury myself in the precious love of my Saviour, and spill tears over my exile from company and my loneliness for my friends.

That’s where living in the desert becomes most productive. The barren landscape soon reminds me of why I am here—my priorities. Camel hair, leather girdles, locusts, and wild honey are simple matters that provide little distraction: my time is destined to be spent walking in close harmony with the LORD.

I don’t mean to imply that nothing happens in the desert, that no part of your destiny or mission will be fulfilled while you live in the desert. The Lord has enabled me, in my desert, to become a writer. I’m fulfilling a childhood dream and I know that I’m only yet touching the very edge of the opportunities and adventures this mission has for me. We see that John’s destiny exploded it’s full potential while he was still in the desert. He grew up there, he remained, he ministered there. His mission completed, he was removed from the desert to Herod’s dungeon.

So don’t resent your desert. Understand its purpose and allow it to prompt you into achieving your destiny sooner. Don’t fight against your loneliness in the desert. Run to the LORD. He is Emmanuel. May He also be your Beloved and your Friend.



Notes:

*The Bible says the wise men brought three gifts, but it does not say there were only three wise men. We do not know how many there were, but it is certain that men of such wealth and wisdom would have travelled with a large escort. The ‘three men and three camels’ scenario we see depicted on most Christmas cards is erroneous.

**The Bible says that when Herod talked with the wise men, they told him when they had first seen the star (which was the sign of the newborn King) in the east. Shortly afterward Herod, endeavouring to get rid of what he thought was competition to his throne, commanded his men to kill all boys aged two years and under, “according to the time which he had diligently inquired of the wise men” (Matthew 2:16).

Copyright © 2002 by Narelle Worboys
23 Hunter St, Dannevirke 4930, New Zealand
kyriellepublishing(at)xtra.co.nz